Is Gareth Bale the meaning of life?

You probably know of Gareth Bale by now, unless you've been living with Kim Jong-Il, had a stint as the Mayor of Whoville or spent the winter with the Clangers. Everybody loves him. He's like Everybody loves Raymond, except in no way associated with Brad Garrett.

Fabio reckons he's the bees knees: "Bale reminds me of Roberto Carlos, who was born a left-back and who matured physically and in terms of tactical awareness. Carlos was an explosive player and the only one who came even close to Bale." Big words from the England gaffer. Stating in no uncertain terms that one of the greatest players to ever grace the earth, with 125 appearances, a World Cup and 2 Copa Americas with Brazil, as well as being a former UEFA Defender of the Year, holding 2 FIFA World Cup Team of the Tournaments Awards, and 3 Champions League Winners Medals at club level, combined with a reputation to rival that of any defender in existence, is "the only one who came even close to Bale." And you should see some of the nonsense going on in the Italian press. If you were so-inclined to believe the hype, this man could solve world poverty whilst running rings round Franco Baresi. One newspaper compared him to, of all people, Steve Ovett (Is that even a compliment?). To put this in perspective (and ignoring the Steve Ovett comments), Gareth Bale has 27 appearances for Wales, an outstanding half-season or so under his belt and has had a couple of really good games against Inter. But that is all.

Bale, who has just signed a new four-year contract with Totting-ham, has been described by 'Arry as a one of the best left-siders in the game. This view is modest compared to some of the audacious comments made by some of the most respected names in world football. The backlash is coming, and when Bale's form drops, and it will drop, every cynical onlooker out there will have their laverbread and eat it. When you do over Maicon in the Champions League in front of the treble-winning titleholders, you deserve a bit of respect. But it has gone beyond that. Respect is when you shake somebody's hand after a tennis match, or washing grapes before you give them to a mate. Respect isn't shagging Sue Barker up the arse because she offered you an Opal Fruit.

It has now become a burden. When your name is being banded around in the same category as Roberto Carlos at the age of 21, the only way is down. The question now is: what to believe? The hype, or the antihype?

After months of toying over this question, I'm coming to the ridiculous conclusion that I spent so much of my time trying to reason against. Providing he keeps his fitness, and that is a big BIG ask of a man who runs at that speed and has quite flaily (is that a word?) limbs, he might very well go on to be one of the greatest players in the world over the next few seasons. BUT, and it's a big BUT, I suspect very strongly that he will peak at 22-23, and it'll be a steady decline into good-but-not-as-good-as-he-was-against-Maicon-relative-world-stage-obscurity from then on in. Running at that speed, and flailing so flailily whilst getting battered by the Marouane Fellaini's of this world makes for a short career. Think van Basten. He already suffers with dodgy legs, and that will only get worse.

In the meantime, whilst Gaz is at the top of his game, I hope he does end up sorting out the budget deficit, acts forcefully as the chairwoman of PETA and manages to overthrow Colonel Gaddafi. That's what's expected of the boy now. And if he doesn't achieve it, everyone is going to know about it.

Anywho, the pressure could be worse. Imagine if he was English, and less talented, and thought that a whorehouse was an acceptable way to spend every other Tuesday brunchtime. Go and watch Lorraine Kelly guest starring on Loose Women like a norming human being, you senseless twats.

For a cheeky reminder of what Bale did to Maicon, have a watch of this excellently crafted video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRZMjHzWXQc